Thursday, May 16, 2013

Some baby bonuses I'd like to see...

The baby bonus pisses me off.

If you are here you probably have a good idea of the reasons why this is the case.

Planetary problems aside, rewarding "everyone" for giving birth sends the wrong message.

It sends the message that all you have to do is fuck to get money.

It sends the message that giving birth is enough and that is where your responsibility ends.

Considering how irresponsible current society is and how much of a welfare mindset is engendered by our leaders it seems ironically fair that we should fuck up a child's perspective the moment they exit the womb.

The fact that these monies are not means tested in any true sense irks me. The fact that there are many other un-tested bonuses given to people for just having kids irks me.

Recently a TV campaign...let me say that again...a TV campaign started airing on Australian TV telling everyone about such "Non means tested payment" childcare payments that every household could claim for each child PER ANNUM!! So they are paying a fortune to advertise to give away a fortune to whoever just has kids?!!? Genius!

The fact that these monies DON'T get spent on the things they are supposed to irks me to the extreme. Just look at retail spending spikes on TVs, perfume and jewellery every time a baby bonus payment goes out to the spawning masses.

Now we all know that governments and politicians are hopeless at handing money, money they call "Government Money" that is really our money.

This "Government Money" label seems to give them the feeling of the right to spend and waste it how they like. Fuck no!

Even the dullest of folks usually know that you don't pay for something until:

a) it is in our hot little hands
b) we know what we are getting

So, assuming (sadly) that most people are stupid and still require some financial incentive to breed, here are some baby bonus ideas I'd like implemented:

1) The "My child has not been arrested bonus"


This bonus is paid to parents upon a child turning 21 and having NOT been in trouble with the police in any fashion. If the police have your child's name on file you've blown the bonus.

Notice how this bonus is paid when most bonuses are traditionally paid - after the successful achievement.

NB: The CF would qualify for this.

2) The "My child finished year 12 bonus" and/or "My child graduated tertiary education bonus".


This bonus is paid when a child completes basic and/or higher education at a sufficient level. It isn't enough just to hang around and be an arse. I know, I did that, you actually have to have decent grades.

If a child has achieved that then the parent has probably done a reasonable job. Incentives all round and a result that may actually not be bad for society. The kid is likely to get a job and not be a drain on the economy.

Notice how this bonus is paid when most bonuses are traditionally paid - after the successful achievement.

3) The "My child has never been a bludger bonus"


This is paid to parents after a child has reached the age of 40 without ever having been on government benefits of any kind.

If your child has already been a drain on the country then sorry, no fucking reward for you!

This bonus could actually be paid to people without kids as they would automatically qualify. fat fucking chance, but worth a try ;-)

4) The "My child actually is the next Einstein or Mozart bonus"

One of the whines we hear all the time about managing population is "what if my child is the next Einstein or Mozart?".

Yeah, well, what the fucken IF.

Here's an idea, when your child has presented the world with a ground breaking theory in the world of science OR written a half decent symphony, then you get a bonus. No age limit on this one.

So you see folks, reward the outcomes of the big picture, not just the vagina, and we may just have a chance that our money isn't wasted on crack and TVs.

DISCLAIMER: Only some of this post is meant to be a joke. You work out which bits. :-)


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